Randall Dill, the Gentleman from Lickskillet

Randall Dill

Randall Dill is a member of Congress who represents Alabama's 8th congressional district. (The district is the area to the north and east of the blue line on this map.) Randall Dill speaks at a Tea Party protest

Randall was born in Lickskillet, a small city in the Appalachian foothills, and grew up on a chicken farm to the west of town. At an early age, he was recognized as intellectually gifted. When he was 10 years old, he scored 175 on an IQ test. At age 14, he entered the University of Northeast Alabama, where, at 19, he earned a Masters degree in Science and Government.

His hopes for a career teaching college and doing research were dashed when he was blacklisted in the academic world. The blacklisting was based on a series of papers he wrote that challenged the views of the pseudo-intellectual community -- papers predicting the downfall of the Soviet Empire, the development of the Internet as a mass medium, and the bankruptcy of the U.S. government. He also drew fire for his work identifying MOPBS, Minding Other People's Business Syndrome, a mental illness that drives politicians and bureaucrats to regulate and restrict individual behavior.

For a time, Randall worked as a newspaper reporter. When his father suffered a heart attack, he returned home to run the family's chicken farm. He got active in local politics, managing the campaign in Benton County for Republican gubernatorial candidate Horace Fawkes. While campaigning for Fawkes at the Benton County Fair, he met Annie Boss, the daughter of a Democratic candidate for governor. They married two years later, and had a daughter, Maggie. (As of February 2010, Annie and Randall were expecting a second child.)

Randall, Annie, and Maggie Dill In 2008, Randall ran for Congress. At first, his campaign was given little chance of success. But he campaigned tirelessly across the district, articulating the concerns of working-class and small-business-class people, and his opponents committed significant blunders. Randall received 55% of the actual vote -- barely enough to overcome ballot-box-stuffing by the President's former organization, KERNEL.

After Randall's election, the Dill Family moved to People's Park, Maryland, where Maggie is a student at the Harry Dexter White School. The Dills have two cats, Armand and Alger, who are communist spies. Recently, Randall's nephew Lynyrd moved into the family's basement along with his friend Mylon and Mylon's purported cousin, Li'l Big.

Randall Dill sworn in as a member of Congress Randall's office staff includes General Loraine Ripley (ret.), who managed his campaign and now serves as his administrative assistant (chief of staff); Howard P. "HoJo" Johnson, his legislative director; Erna Ipswich, his press secretary; and Fiona Macpherson, his secretary.

As an outspoken advocate for taxpayers and families, Congressman Dill has been the target of harsh criticism from the Washington elite. WHAM -- the alliance between White House operatives and the media -- put him on its enemies list. Randall was depicted as a demagogue and chicken-murderer by magazines such as Workers' Paradise, GroupThink: The Unbiased Newsmagazine, and Vegan Digest. Even late-night TV shows ridiculed him; Randall was characterized as a three-toothed hillbilly on "Live from Broadway," and Randall and Maggie were called "re-tards" by the host of "After Curfew with Wylat Ottmar." Some of the most severe criticism of the young congressman came after Randall, during an address to Congress by the President, slapped his hand to his forehead, a gesture that was described as disrespectful.

Randall was one of the survivors of Oceanic Flight 1613, which was targeted for destruction by Omar the Barracuda's terrorist gang. Disaster was averted when a toddler pulled the fuse out of a terrorist's head-bomb -- an act for which the White House took credit.

23rd Century historian Retcon Feghoot recently concluded that Randall is destined to play a major role in saving America and the world from the effects of proglodyte (so-called "progressive") policies. To help ensure that Randall fulfills his destiny, Feghoot assumed the guise of a 21st century policy analyst and joined Randall's staff.

In just a few months, Randall has become a national leader of mainstream Americans -- the "Tea Party" people -- against the ignorant, arrogant, corrupt Washington elite. What does the future hold for him, his family, his friends, his constituents, and his adversaries? Only future episodes of "The Gentleman from Lickskillet" will tell. (If you'd like to see future episodes, be sure to sign the petition here.)