Omar the Barracuda
Omar the Barracuda is an alleged mastermind in the art of man-caused disaster (or, as rightwingers call it, terrorism).
U.S. troops captured Omar in Mesopotamia (or, as rightwingers call it, Iraq). Although the case against him seemed open-and-shut -- his portrait in an Al Qaeda safehouse was labeled "Our Cell Leader" -- Omar's lawyers uncovered significant problems in the prosecutory process. For example, the soldiers who captured Omar failed to read him his Miranda rights; some of his accusers, claiming to be "busy" in combat operations, failed to show up for some of the hearings in Omar's case; and U.S. officials refused to identify the informants who identified Omar as a so-called terrorist.
Clever work by radical attorney Barda Utilis got Omar released from prison and earned him a substantial cash settlement, which he has used to finance his cell's activities in the U.S. and to add to his collection of yellowcake uranium.
Barda is a member of the Gitmo Relocation Commission, a law partner of the current attorney general, and a self-described peace activist. She is in love with Omar and looks forward to settling down with him once the capitalist West and its Jewish allies have been wiped from the face of the earth. Omar does not share her romantic feelings, and has attempted to let her down gently. He pointed out to Barda that, despite their shared hatred of America, "Because you're a woman and you read, drive, and show your face, I'd be obligated to behead you if I could." She replied: "Sweetie, you know you don't have to impress me with your 'scary terrorist' act."
Omar, who collects photographs of infidels and their families being decapitated, finds great amusement in the U.S. government's treatment of its enemies. Particularly laughable to him is that Americans consider such techniques as waterboarding and "putting someone in a box with a caterpillar" to be forms of torture.
Omar and his cell have recently set up operations in Lickskillet, Alabama, hometown of Congressman Randall Dill (R-Alabama). Lickskillet, in Benton County, is the planned site for Camp Cataract, a.k.a. Gitmo II, the planned facility to replace the Guantanamo Bay detention camp. Omar plans to liberate his comrades from U.S. custody as soon as possible after the new prison opens.
Another reason for Omar's interest in Lickskillet is the storage, at the town's U.S. Army Depot, of a significant amount of nerve gas that was created for possible use in the Cold War. Stored for decades in the Alabama heat, some of the nerve gas has changed into a reality-altering "mutation gas." The altered gas has been known to cause watermelons to sprout wings and fly, cornstalks to dance, hogs to form unions, and cows to moo in Dutch ("boeh... boehhhhh"). Canisters containing the gas have developed personalities, learned to speak, and grown moustaches. Omar considers the mutation gas a possible game-changer in the war with America, and has launched at least one raid to obtain quantities of the gas.
Omar's nemesis is Azad Zubari, Chief Deputy Sheriff of Benton County, who "connected the dots" and discovered the presence of Omar's cell in Lickskillet. However, when Deputy Zubari attempted to warn federal investigators of the threat, he was accused of prejudice against Muslims, and FBI agents Tenacious Trentmarsh and Nathan Johnson sought to prosecute him for hate crimes. Deputy Zubari's defense -- that he could not be prejudiced against Muslims because he is Muslim -- fell on deaf ears.
Omar styled his most recent attack as "Operation Nose-on-Your-Face." As he explained to the members of his cell, "The best thing we can do for the cause -- especially for recruitment -- is to make the Americans look like fools. The more we 'telegraph' an attack, the more foolish the Americans look when they fail to prevent it... so our next attack will be so obvious that a child could see it coming." He instructed his agents to adopt the aliases "Imat Errah Rist" and "Yuran M. Basil," to "hide" their bomb in a turban with the fuse clearly visible, and to claim to be traveling from Yemen via Amsterdam and Dearborn to West Carolina State Tech in order to participate in the college's dogsled program. TSA screeners found nothing suspicious about Omar's agents, but a toddler sitting behind them on the plane mistook the lit fuse for a sparkler, pulled the fuse out of the bomb, and saved the plane. In Washington, the Administration took credit for saving the plane.
Omar the Barracuda has great plans for America, and he has friends in high places. What does the future hold for Omar, his cell, and the Justice Department? Only future episodes of "The Gentleman from Lickskillet" will tell. (If you'd like to see future episodes, be sure to sign the petition here.)