KERNEL
KERNEL is a national organization that provides critical assistance to the Democratic Party and the Progressive movement.
The group accomplishes this by helping deceased
and otherwise ineligible voters cast their ballots, by casting
ballots on behalf of people who do not show up at the polls, and by
conducting "enhanced voter assistance" programs to help voters
understand what's in their best interest. KERNEL workers make
sure that undocumented Americans, homeless Americans, and
computer-simulated people ("Sim-Americans") are included on voter
rolls.
It uses various methods to encourage business executives to support the "public interest" -- for example, by filing fraudulent lawsuits alleging discrimination, and by reminding the executives that KERNEL members know where they live and where their children go to school.
KERNEL also conducts public demonstrations designed to embarrass pro-taxpayer individuals and organizations -- for example, by sending large numbers of people in wheelchairs (most of whom are not, in fact, wheelchair-bound) to protest cuts in increases in the rate of growth of government spending. It challenges the licenses of radio and TV stations that broadcast anti-Progressive programs. And it forces financial institutions to give loans to people who are so unfortunate as to be non-creditworthy.
In return for the group's support, Democratic
officeholders channel billions of dollars in government funds into
KERNEL's
treasury. KERNEL also receives money from international
sources such as the government of P'unqraq,
which paid the organization to monitor its 2009 elections.
The President, a former KERNEL operative, trained KERNEL personnel and helped the organization implement "Auto-Fraudo" legislation.
Current KERNEL operatives include "Headsmasher" McCoy, who helps elderly women cast their absentee ballots, and Hoohee, Doobie, and Loogie.
Roe McMurtry, brother of administration official Dexter McMrtry, is KERNEL's executive director.
Harvey T. Pooka, an invisible rabbit, heads KERNEL's effort to assist the U.S. Census Bureau. The spirit of the Census effort was captured in a poem by Timmy Peterson, age 7, of Montclair, New Jersey: "In order to make the Census fair / I counted folks who weren't there. / I counted them again today. / 'Cause counting them's the KERNELway!"
The congressional committee that oversees KERNEL is chaired by Congressman Pippin Chanticleer (D-Louisiana), who died in 1994 but whose soul was bound to earth by an evil Democratic Party sorcerer.
KERNEL's support for illegal activities such as welfare fraud recently came under fire when Mylon Libertavis, Congressman Dill's nephew's roommate, posted a controversial video to Eyeblast that showed a KERNEL worker promoting illegal activity. In response to the video, the U.S. Department of Bailouts & Stimulus granted $90 million to KERNEL for worker re-training.
With its political connections and ability to mobilize activists, KERNEL is a force to be reckoned with. What does the future hold for KERNEL? Only future episodes of "The Gentleman from Lickskillet" will tell. (If you'd like to see future episodes, be sure to sign the petition here.)